From Emotional Reaction to Life Affirming Response
How can I change an automatic, unconsciously conditioned emotional pattern?
This was one of the really wonderful questions posed by a participant in the most recent Emotional Alchemy Workshop. More specifically, they were curious about how to create enough space (a big enough pause) once a pattern had been recognized, to be able to respond differently. I love this question. So, let’s dive in and take a closer look as we tease apart the many threads that are typically entangled in this experience.
Yes, it is possible to recognize an emotional pattern, bring it into the light of consciousness and to respond rather than react. For this article, I will discuss six aspects of a process for bringing an automatic pattern into conscious awareness so it may be arrested and you may choose a more life affirming response.
Recognize being triggered
Nurture, nurture, nurture every step of the way
Establish present-centered awareness
Curiously witness and be with what arises
Cultivate the capacity to interrupt
Lay down a new functional pattern
#1 Recognize being triggered
Like that first domino that is tapped, something triggers you: a situation, a person, their gesture, words, body posture, tone of voice, behavior, attitude, emotion, belief, and that trigger sets off an emotional reaction within you. It is completely automatic and like dominos falling, you don’t seem to have any ability to stop it from happening or change it once it has begun. When you reflect, you can see that it happens without your will and you don’t like how it plays out or you wouldn’t be reading this.
I’m guessing the results may be quite painful. You get angry and yell at someone you are in intimate relationship with. Maybe you collapse, go silent and withdraw feeling criticized or shamed by a coworker or manager. Or you feel anxious, threatened, unsafe and unable to breathe, so you high tail it out of there as fast as you can. Everyone suffers—you suffer, the other person suffers and the fabric of your relationship is torn. This relationship tear can spiral into more fear and anxiety or other behavior that places even greater distance and separation between you.
While recognizing triggers is important, it is of little use to focus on the triggers themselves. Recognizing them so you can attempt to eliminate them would be an impossible and a never ending game that simply isn’t useful when your goal is to make an unconscious pattern conscious and choose a more life affirming response. In reflection, you may make connections between triggers and early childhood or other impactful experiences. Great, so there happens to be some connection, some meaning for you. To the degree that this helps you unravel and heal any underlying wounds, great! But, it is not essential to trace every trigger back to some specific, previous experience. So, the takeaway here is not to get too hung up on triggers. It is more important to recognize in the moment, “oh, I’ve been triggered.”
#2 Nurture, nurture, nurture
The very next thing after recognizing that you’ve been triggered, is to do what you can to activate your system for caring and compassion. Activating this part of your system effectively turns off the alarm, the fight, flight, freeze response that is triggered when you feel threatened. These two aspects of nervous system activation cannot run simultaneously. When one is “ON,” the other is “OFF”.
When you are giving and receiving nurturing care and compassion, you are calmed and soothed. The part of your nervous system that controls “rest and digest” functions is active and you have access to higher reasoning in the frontal lobes of the brain, your creativity and playfulness. These are some of the resources you can tap into when choosing a new life affirming response to your situation.
What does it look like, sound like to nurture yourself, to activate your system for caring and compassion? It can be as simple as silently saying to yourself, “It’s o.k. You’ve been triggered and I’ve got you, I’m here for you.” You might place a hand on your heart or rest it in your other hand. “Sweet angel, I know this is unpleasant, but you’re going to be alright.” “You are here. You deserve to be here. Stay with this.” “Feel your feet on the ground, my love.” “Now, exhale, breathe gently in, and gently out.”
You get the idea. You’ll want to continue this kind, compassionate, care for yourself throughout the remainder of the process. It will be crucial when you notice yourself slipping into the alarm/threat aspect of your nervous system at any point during this process.
#3 establish present-centered awareness
The nurturing can lead you into present-centered awareness. The statements “Feel your feet on the ground, my love.” “Now, exhale, breathe gently in, and gently out.” These can help to bring your awareness into your body and in the middle of an imaginary tripod. The three legs of the tripod are: Body (breath and body sensations), feelings and thoughts. Sit with your awareness in the center of this imaginary tripod and observe. Be present to and aware of breathing & body sensations, any feelings or thoughts that arise.
#4 Curiously witness and be with what arises
What sensations do you feel? Where is the breath moving your body? Can you direct your breath to an area of contraction and let go of any unnecessary tension with the exhale? When a feeling arises, can you name it or identify where it is in your body? Does it have a color (vibration), or a quality (spiked, hot, dense, cool, etc.). When thoughts arise, notice the quality and nature of the thoughts. Are they defensive, aggressive, worrisome, judgmental, snarky, sarcastic, express an attitude, argumentative, etc. Remember to nurture. Caring and compassionate self-talk can help prevent a slide into the less useful thoughts. Having said this, you’re not trying to stop, avoid or push away anything. This only engages a struggle. Notice and simply name it.
This can be a really difficult place to be. There you are watching yourself do the thing you don’t want to do, the thing you want to change. In the beginning, you may feel quite powerless to stop the pattern. You’re just in it, but you’re watching yourself play it through. This is actually a huge success despite the discomfort and how undesirable the experience may be.
When you are in this stage, acknowledge it. This is H-U-G-E, absolutely celebrate this! You’re likely getting close to being able to jump the tracks into a new pattern, but take your time to really “be” in this stage and notice as many details as you can while you’re in it. Also, be sure to reflect upon it afterward. Note as many aspects of your experience and the situation as you possibly can. This is crucial to perceiving the pattern in its fullness and as it manifests within you and in relationship to another person, the environment, etc.
Noting and becoming familiar with all of the phenomena that are happening simultaneously: body posture, gesture, facial expression, vocal tone, body sensations, thoughts, emotions, attitudes, your age when this behavior may have first appeared, the incident or situation in childhood this harkens back to, beliefs, stories, perspective, perception). This will usually require observing yourself in similar situations a number of times. Be very kind to yourself! I’ve been here and instead of giving myself nurturing and kindness I have judged and treate myself harshly with “You did it again.” This caused me to spiral into a dark place of shame and unworthiness—not useful and painful!
It will likely take several repetitions, so here’s the thing that’s really key: NURTURE yourself as soon as possible and often. Turn on your internal caring and self-compassion system. Speak kindly and with loving support for your process. “It’s O.K., this is the pattern you want to change, it just got triggered and you observed it. The witness observed the whole thing play out. This pattern is no longer operating solely in the unconscious. This is a huge step. You did a great job! Breathe, it’s alright, it isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of the end of this pattern. I know it didn’t feel very good to go through this pattern again, but you have just taken a big leap toward uprooting this pattern. You’ll get there, patience my dear, patience. Soon enough you will be able to replace this pattern with behavior that will give you the chance to have your needs met.”
#5 Cultivate the capacity to interrupt
There is a specific practice in yoga called a krama. A krama is a break or a pause in the movement or breathing. With regular practice of a carefully crafted yoga practice that utilizes krama, we can cultivate the capacity to interrupt our impulses. Practices utilizing krama can be experienced in the Emotional Alchemy workshops. Be sure to sign up for the Gold in The Lotus email to learn about Emotional Alchemy Workshops, classes and other related events.
#6 a new life affirming pattern
Having discovered what is happening, named our feelings, uncovered our unmet needs, provided nurturing and done some healing around this in step 4, and then cultivated the capacity to interrupt in step 5, we are ready to make a request of self or other to meet our needs.